By Guest Blogger: Michael Jagdeo (Comedian)

Yesterday I mused that celebrities attract us because they are the most successful of our species. It’s lead me to write the following bit that is going to be a candidate to enter my seven-minute stand-up comedy set.

UPDATED Feb 7 2012! Since visiting an open mic, I’ve updated this joke (older version can be seen at the end of this post)

Kim Kardashian Fucked them…now you want to Boycott her?

Premise:

• I was doing a search on Kim Kardashian the other day and I came across a site calledBoycottKim.com…I guess they hated her.
• Question for you guys…do we like Kim Kardashian? Yes? No? Why? (Element: Audience interaction | Results: Kept audience engage at Naughty Nads)

Punchline:

• The major criticism is that’s she’s gotten a lot from doing very little. (Action: delivered matter-of-factly + nod head)
• ….am I the only one that finds that….IMPRESSIVE!? (Action: stop nodding + turn head | Element: Misdirection)

Tag:

• I’ve been trying to do a lot with a little for 28 years…it’s hard…no really it’s hard;that’s the problem! (Action: point to crotch | Results: Hit Naughty Nadz | Element: Misdirection)

How Does Kim Kardashian Get So Much Attention?

Premise:

• I have a blog, and for a thousand hits a day, I’d change my religion.

Punchline:

• You know she gets a million hits? (Wait for answer) No, for that she’d get 20 million hits. (Element: Audience Interaction)
• Let me tell you something: she could drop a cashew nut on the ground and the CASHEW would get a 500K followers on Twitter the very next day.

Tag:

• And if it played it’s card right, It might even get nominated for, ‘Legume of the year.’ Unbelievable.
• (If heckled, ‘Cashew is not a legume.’ Listen kumkwat: I’ll show you two legumes after the show.)

Tag:

• U of t marketing professors should do a study on her called, ‘Popping Your #$%@#! To Fame and Fortune.’

Kim Kardashian Made Millions from Having Sex ONCE

Premise:

• Who’s the guy she had sex with? (Action: Wait for answer)
• Some of you guys have it backwards…Kim Kardashian didn’t get fucked by Ray J, she fucked him.
• Dude…she made millions from having sex once…ONCE!

Punchline:

• There are pornstars that have had sex everyday on camera for the past 15 years that still have to use 2 Can Dine for 6.99 coupons at McDonald’s…she made millions by having sex ONCE, and it wasn’t even in HD.(Results: hit at Naughty Nadz)
• What’d Ray J get? That’s right: nobody cares.

Tag:

• Some girls get STD’s when they have sex…what’d she get? A media fucking empire. …and I’m pretty sure Ray J doesn’t ejaculate fame and fortune….
• well, I’m 99% percent sure he doesn’t…ejaculate..fame…and fortune…

Tag:

• Take the number of women in here…….multiply that by the number of dicks they’ve sucked…we’re talking millions!
• The closest they got to making millions was the money shot they took in face.

Tag:

• I had sex the other day, and all I got was a long sigh of disappointment and a lifetime subscription to, ‘Feeling Inadequate Around Black Guys‘ magazine.’ (THANKS GREG FOR THE INSPIRATION ON THIS ONE!)
• Kim Kardashian didn’t get fucked by Ray J. You know what she did? …She (Element: Audience Interaction |audience finishes sentence)

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How to get money to make a film?

By Guest Blogger: Magda M Olchawska

This is a difficult question and I get asked it over and over again. Many countries have organizations that deal with film funding and not only national organizations, but also local organizations (check up my notes for theuseful websites).

The EU also deals with film funding, in each member country there is a media desk that should be able to answer your questions regarding getting money for your next project. In some countries the media desk can be very unhelpful but keep asking, their job is to help you.

There is also the option of commercial or governmental TV funding, however this is a very long and often complicated process. If you were anything like me, you would be too impatient to deal with all the processing and decision-making.

A good way to get money for your feature film is to get someone well known to star in your film. This way whoever is investing in your film might feel much more comfortable that the money will be returned to the investor. Besides the investor always looks for well-known faces.

Don’t forget that the script is also very important when it comes to investors lining up. It has to be well written, even though so many scripts aren’t and films are still made. If the script is strong, the film has a bigger chance of becoming commercially successful and this will definitely get you the investors.

However, it can be harder to raise money for a short film than for feature and it’s always much harder to raise smaller amounts of money than larger. The problem is that short films almost never make any money (you might win a Film Festival but you probably invested much more that you got back). To make shorts many filmmakers don’t even bother going to institutions and just invest their private money, which in my opinion is always a good investment. When it comes to financing short films I would recommend you do it yourself. You really don’t need a huge budget to make a short and you can get many things free of charge as long as you are not afraid to ask. Look at shorts as your business card; investment in your future and it will pay off. It also makes very good practice before you make your great feature film.

When it comes to either feature films or shorts I would definitely look for money in a private sector. There are always a lot of people willing to invest some money in films for many reasons: tax break, glamour or looking for a good investment. Start asking people around you and I am sure that sooner or later you will get to a person who has some cash wanting to invest. From my personal experience I can tell you that it’s easier to get money from private people than institutions. Private investors might be hard to find but are much easier to deal with. I have even heard (and this is not my experience) that some people are willing to pay just to have credits in a movie but I don’t know how much of this is true. However, what is true is that many people are willing to pay to appear in a film. Some of those people are upcoming musicians and some people have loads of money and like the idea of being in a film.

Another good way to get money for a film, either short or feature is to organize fundraising parties (you can use your imagination here) invite friends and family. Basically invite as many people as you and your partner know. Anyone can donate anything they want, money, time or equipment. But remember, always give credits in a film to anyone who is going to give you money or free goods and always say thank you.

I know that money is always a problem for independent filmmakers but don’t let it stop you. With digital technology developments making it cheaper and easier to make films you have no excuse to not make it happen.

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